Seven Exciting Ways To Guarantee An IRS Audit

(HAHAJK) – Tax time is in full swing as American taxpayers gather up their forms and attempt to cheat out their good ole’ Uncle Sam out of his fair share!   However, about this time every year millions of Americans get confused and ask the same age old question, “How come I don’t get audited?”

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A man thinks of a really bitchin' name to write on his returnOnly a chosen few lucky individuals are selected to be audited by the government each year, because they did the right things in order to get selected for the prestigious and time consuming process of being audited by the IRS. The good news is though, that the rest of us don’t have to sit idly by as the chosen few get to have all the fun.

Thanks to the help of a former IRS agent, who has graciously offered some tips, you can significantly increase your chances of being audited by the IRS too, by following these ten exciting tidbits:

1. Make up a really badass name for yourself and write that down on your tax form instead of your real name. Who wants to audit a Henry Jones? Not us, that’s for sure. But what about if your form is supposed to say Henry Jones, but instead says Chainsaw T. Monkeydick? Welcome to Audit Town!
2. Guess how much you made last year. Those W-2 forms are just suggestions. Who is to say how much money you really made last year. Only you know that. Now you and a new friend from the IRS can find out together.
3. Deduct everything – Kleenex, condoms, pizza, pants, Frisbees, tickets, gasoline, fencing lessons…anything. If you can think of it, just deduct it and tell them you were training for a movie role. When your IRS pal arrives to go over your finances tell them you are going to have to deduct that too.
4. Don’t file anything – You are really busy. If you don’t file, some nice person will come and help you do them anyways. So do other stuff while you wait for them to come.
5. Date someone who works at the IRS and wrong them in some really terrible way. Hell hath no furry like an IRS agent scorned. If you get someone to open up their heart to you, it is really easy to destroy them. Find yourself an agent and get them to love you before you pull the rug out from underneath them and they come after you.
6. Call them up and ask them to audit you. Nobody ever turned down a nice request with a please and thank you. I f you really ask nicely there is no way they won’t come and audit you.
7. Mail your return in an envelope sealed with doggie poop and a letter that tells them all to f*ck off. Really any kind of poop will do. After they get really mad, they will laugh and send someone out to tell you what they thought of your little joke.

Now, with any luck you will be audited and make a new friend. Good Luck!

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